i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
