Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
