I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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