I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
it was like eating out sand paper
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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