why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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