aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
