I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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