I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
