i was born a porn star she said
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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