I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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