She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
