is your mom at the bar?
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
