i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.