i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???