I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
