Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize