just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
