Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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