He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
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