did you get engaged???
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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