Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
