i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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