We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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