I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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