omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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