I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
