my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
