how can u be prego again
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
