apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you will always have a special place in my vag
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
