She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
