You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
