pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
