Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
