thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
