i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
