I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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