We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
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