I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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