i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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