omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
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the liver wants what the liver wants
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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