chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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