he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
