I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
MIDGETS
????
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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