The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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