dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
