You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
