You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
