you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
