barbara walters just said penis...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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