I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
false alarm, still single
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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