i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
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She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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