What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
