checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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