I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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