giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
