We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
