Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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