Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
