im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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