I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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